Hi, I really need some honest outside perspectives. This might be long, but I feel really stuck and confused.
I (21F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (24M) for almost 2 years. We met on an app and moved in together about 9 months ago. We both have ADHD. He is funny and sweet, and I love him.
But things have changed a lot, and I don’t know if I’m expecting too much or if something is genuinely wrong.
One of the first issues I brought up was intimacy. Early on, he used to initiate, flirt, and show desire. But after some time, he stopped initiating, talked about it less, and started saying no more often. I noticed it quickly and asked him about it. He said he was just stressed about the future (he had just finished school and was looking for a job), so I tried to be understanding.
Then we moved in together, and everything shifted. I went from feeling desired, loved, and seen… to feeling confused, undesired, and like he doesn’t think about me in that way anymore.
For context: something serious happened with his family early in our relationship that affected him deeply. He was raised by a father who taught him to hide himself, lie, and not show emotions. He and his mom eventually left that situation. He has told me this still affects him and makes him feel stressed and “damaged.”
Another huge issue is responsibility and priorities. He got fired from his main job, and we both needed him to find work so we could afford to live in our apartment. But he has not taken responsibility at all. He spends hours on hobbies and fitness: fitness 5 times a week and hobby training 3–5 times a week. That’s a lot of time and energy, but he chose it himself. He complains constantly about not having money, but he doesn’t seek help or actively look for work. Most days, when he’s not training, he just lies on the couch. He spends enormous amounts of time in front of screens and slacks off at home—chores, showing initiative, taking responsibility, helping me… almost nothing happens unless I explicitly ask, and he often complains when I do.
He constantly says how much he loves me and how important I am to him, but he doesn’t show it in actions. He doesn’t make me feel attractive or desired. There’s no flirting, no attention, no little gestures of affection or thoughtfulness. I feel like we’ve become roommates who sometimes have sex and kiss.
I’ve talked about this many times, explained exactly what I need, and tried to understand his problems and history. But nothing changes. We talk, he opens up, promises to improve, and yet it’s always the same. He’s also not as sweet or thoughtful as he used to be.
On top of all this, we don’t do anything together. No dates, no plans, no quality time. We mostly just sit on the couch on our phones or watch TV. Sex still happens 1–4 times a week, but I am almost always the one initiating it, and even then, there’s no flirting, no passion, no effort.
All of this has changed me. I’ve gone from being happy, energetic, and positive to feeling sad, resentful, and stuck. I resent him because he constantly promises to change, says he will do better, and yet nothing ever happens.
At this point, I don’t even feel like I miss him. I miss what a relationship is supposed to feel like: feeling chosen, wanted, and prioritized.
So my question is:
Can a relationship like this realistically improve, or am I holding on to something that just isn’t there anymore?
Please be honest, but kind.
TL;DR