First Kiss/Hookup Situation Ended Badly

For context, I’m an underclassman in college and up until this point I’ve never done anything romantic or physically intimate. I’ve always wanted a meaningful relationship, but I hadn’t really put myself out there, so I joined a dating app. I matched with a few people, but only two conversations actually progressed toward meeting up. This post is about one of them. # Initial Match + Expectations I matched with a guy my age I thought was attractive, and our first conversation felt very natural. We talked about our day-to-day lives, cultural backgrounds, and families. Eventually he asked what I was looking for, and I said long-term. I asked him the same. Even though his profile said long term relationship, open to short term, he told me he wasn’t really looking to date right now and was more interested in a friends / friends-with-benefits dynamic, with emphasis on friends. I was hesitant, but I agreed because I thought there could still be some emotional connection in addition to physical intimacy. I also want to be clear that I wasn’t opposed to physical stuff itself — I just didn’t want to feel replaceable or like I was being used purely for sex. I told him this very directly, including that I had no prior experience (no kissing or anything). He reassured me, said that it was fine, and agreed with wanting something respectful. He also said he’d only had sex before with his ex and wasn’t expecting that from us, and that he was cool with stopping at oral. # Texting Dynamic + Escalation The next day we started planning to meet (watching a movie at his place and fooling around). From there, the tone of the conversation shifted quickly. He started more explicit, sexual flirting and asked for my Snapchat instead of my number. I asked for his Instagram and we followed each other there as well. The conversation escalated into very explicit sexting that lasted around 3 hours. I matched his energy and also escalated, though I didn’t send any photos or videos. He did send videos after asking if I was okay with that. Over the next few days: \- He sent me explicit messages and sexual fantasies multiple times a day \- He occasionally sent videos \- He set messages to disappear after viewing on Snapchat \- He repeatedly brought up meeting earlier than planned (almost daily), even though we had already set a day \- When I didn’t respond quickly, he would double/triple text things like “helloooo,” “broooo,” and asking if I’m ignoring or ghosting him I played along but was not responding constantly. I replied in bursts every few hours and sometimes stepped away. At one point I tried to shift the conversation to something other than sex, and he said it was “boring.” He also started making comments about: \- having “options” \- saying he had rejected other girls that week to “choose me” \- framing sex as something I needed to prove myself for (e.g. making him finish) I hearted the saying no to other girls’ messages but pushed back at one point and said I’m not competing with other girls or playing games. I also said I wanted to meet properly before hooking up. He said the basis of our interaction had already been physical, so we should start there and then see. He also made occasional comments like I was ideal wife material, which added to the mixed signals. Also, he repeatedly referred to longterm plans to hookup or pursue something between us. Against my better judgment, I agreed to continue. # Meetup We met at his dorm, where we kissed, which was fine. Then we moved to his room, where he suggested going further. We tried deepthroating because he kept asking for it all week, but I quickly struggled due to my gag reflex (I have no experience and I warned him beforehand about it). I was gagging frequently, making small burping noises because of the gagging, and became very embarrassed. At one point I puked a couple splotches on him, and we had to pause so he could clean up and I could compose myself. I also became very anxious and awkward overall. Because he was afraid his roommates would hear us, we moved to an empty room nearby. He tried to guide me a bit and asked several times if I was okay, but I said I was fine and tried to (unsuccessfully) continue because I felt embarrassed. Eventually, he suggested switching to a h****** instead, which went better but he ultimately decided to take care of it himself. After that, he finished in my mouth. I did consent to this, though I felt overwhelmed and inexperienced throughout. Afterward, he was supposed to do stuff on me but he said he had to leave because his roommate was apparently very sick and he needed to help. We ended things there. He apologized several times and said he was sorry for “ruining my first time.” I told him it was okay. He told me to text him when I got home, which I did. He responded briefly with an acknowledgment and good night. Shortly after, he unfollowed me on Instagram and removed me as a follower. # Aftermath I was absolutely mortified and figured the experience must have been horrible for him. The next evening he texted me asking what’s up. We had a normal conversation for a bit, and then he said he had something to tell me. He said a past situationship had reached out wanting to reconnect, and he felt bad leaving that behind, so we couldn’t hook up for a while. Then he said he didn’t know how things could go anywhere with us from here and we should probably go our separate ways. He also said he felt bad for leading me on and apologized again. After that, he removed me on Snapchat as well. I’ve spent the day feeling extremely embarrassed, disgusted with myself, and honestly used. I feel like I ignored a lot of red flags because I was infatuated. What’s bothering me most is: \- The sudden shift after the meetup \- Him removing me from everything immediately \- The “situationship came back” explanation feeling convenient \- The roommate puking conveniently happening immediately after he finished (though tbf, earlier he said one of his friends was roofied at a party…but when we were in his room everything was quiet) I also can’t stop replaying everything and feeling humiliated, like I’ll be remembered as the worst experience he’s had, or that I’ll just be a blip between hookups. Either way, I feel like I’ll never be able to forget this because for the rest of my life, I’ll remember that my first kiss ended in humiliation. I feel like something was taken from me and I wasted something special. I guess I’m mainly looking for outside perspective on this situation to help me process and move on.