i (38F) am concerned my husband (42M) is going out and being with other men. We are both bisexual. He has told me before that he finds the p**** itself attractive but doesnt find men themselves romantically attractive. He's said he likes to please other men by sucking them off as well. The problem begins before we got married. I went on an old phone of his from a previous divorce with permission from him. and literally right in front of him I discover Tinder was downloaded and he had messaged two men. just the word "hey" from each and no further conversation.
We got in a huge fight because he swears up and down he doesnt remember ever messaging those people or having that on that phone. it was an old phone from his previous marriage where his ex suggested they have an open relationship, and he reluctantly agreed. yet this account not only had pictures of both of us on there, but stated he himself was in an open relationship where we each did our own thing. (him suck d***, me eat girls) which ive NEVER done and we've never seriously discussed doing anything like that. At the time, he blamed it on his ex hacking the account as the pictures of us were on his public profile and he said she had all his emails and passwords.
I know in my heart it was a BS excuse but I let myself believe it anyway because keeping the peace is easier than uprooting my whole life. it confirmed he was lying when I found his Hinge account with the same details, minus a picture of us. His ex is absolutely vengeful and petty (we have dealt with other unrelated issues) but I dont think its even possible for a person to log in from a different phone, edit an account on a dating app, and have it show up on a completely different phone. My biggest issue is I please him in all the way he could want, except I dont have a d*** he can suck. I give him as much a*** play as he wants (which isn't a lot) and I dont mind because I enjoy making him happy, and I love his butt. so WHY can he just not let that urge go?! I see so many people say they have done things with married men. why would he continue this if im giving him everything he possibly asks for?
I also want to know WHERE he is going and WHEN. we are together practically 24/7 so it'd be hard, but still possible to sneak in a d*** suck in a car or something. im not looking for advice like "leave" or "divorce" as thats just not something I could do at the moment or any time in the future. its not happening at all, so don't suggest it. Not trapped, just have incredibly low self esteem and I hate lawyers. Id also love to collect proof in case one day I do decide I want a divorce. Or maybe proof so I can eat some as revenge. anyways, I need ideas and advice ASAP
TLDR: In denial about husband sucking men off, want proof
You clearly know he’s cheating. Nobody forgets messaging it’s just showing his accountability and communication skills are at zero. He doesn’t love or respect you or care that you’re hurting. I get it i was married to a serial cheater. They never change
1
Recent-Fig32113 hr ago
+1
Same thing happened with my ex - the whole "I don't remember" thing when you literally catch them red-handed is such a joke. Like we're supposed to believe apps just magically install themselves and send messages.
For collecting evidence, check phone bills for numbers you don't recognize, look at location history if he has it enabled, and maybe set up a small camera in your car if you think he's using it. Bank/credit card statements might show weird charges too - even something like random gas stations or convenience stores at odd times can be telling.
The revenge thing though... I get the anger but that energy might be better spent on an exit plan even if it's slow. Low self-esteem sucks but you deserve way better than this constant stress and gaslighting.
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