im 25f ive been on anti depressants and an anti psychotic meds for my depression and anxiety. however ive been slowly struggling a lot lately. and few days ago i stopped taking my meds and i think im loosing it now.
ive been with my bf for 4 years. ive learned to accept everything good and bad about him because god knows in far from perfect myself.
however
we met two days ago ( i was off my meds here) and i felt off around him like we dont have the spark anymore i got angry and i didnt even enjoy out time together (we were meeting after 2 months we are in an LDR) when he asked whats wrong i told him i feel more like a friend than a girlfriend. we make fun of eachother and laugh but...what about romance? flirting? i feel like im flirting with a crush of mine who doesnt like me back.
this made my depression worse i have an eating disorder got diagnosed 4 years ago. and now i feel like he's moved on from me because im fat and ugly and im not pretty like before and i keeo skipping meals because of this. i finally had a talk with him yesterday told him I'm not feeling good. he did talk to me for an hour but it was just him motivating me and giving me speeches like you need stop craving for sadness you're a normal person like anyone else and you are strong and can do better bla bla....honestly for a second i felt okay like ... okay he cares about me why else would he say all that.
i woke up today morning and i cant stop feeling like our conversation yesterday was so superficial.
he didnt support me emotionally at all or understood what im going through at all.
hes always so nonchalant about everything.
and hes always been like that.
i cant tell if i truly hate him or if it's just my depression???
i feel so disconnected from him and i keep craving some connection with a human being. i keep fantasizing of having someone. someone else who would understand or be there in better ways.
am i a bad person for this ? maybe i am i do feel extremely guilty.
i know im a mess and sometimes i start thinking maybe he deserves better. but at the same time i really just want to feel loved and seen and to be told that someone needs me.
tl;dr > i stopped taking my meds and now idk if i truly hate my boyfriend or if it's my brain making things up to keep me miserable
Look, stopping your meds cold turkey is definitely messing with your head right now. I went through something similar few years back when I had to switch medications - everything felt wrong and I couldn't tell what was real feelings versus chemical imbalance. Your brain chemistry is all over the place so it's really hard to make any big relationship decisions right now.
That said, some of what you're describing about lack of emotional support and feeling disconnected... those might be real issues that were just buried under medication before. When I was dating someone in different countries for work, the distance made every small problem feel huge. Four years is long time to be with someone who gives you motivational speeches instead of just listening when you're struggling.
First thing though - please get back in your meds or talk to doctor about adjusting them properly. You can't figure out relationship stuff when your brain chemistry is this unstable. Once you're feeling more balanced, then you can really evaluate if this guy actually gets you or if you've been settling because depression made you think you don't deserve better connection.
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