Realizing I might be the problem in my relationships 😅

Can you tell me what are the things you realised about yourself? I got out of a long term relationship a couple of months back. For 3 years I thought I was a good boyfriend. Towards the end, she disappeared on me. I have no closure. The more I tried thinking about it the more it didn’t make sense to me. I have healed and I am over that part of my life now. But still, for myself and my future partner, I want to a better person. Maybe your insights could help me figure out what went wrong.

I also came to this realization after my last relationship. Honestly, it probably applies to most people, especially in this day and age. Self awareness is key, and it only takes a bit of time on forums like this to notice that, as a society, we’re generally lacking it. There’s a saying I really agree with: if you smell something bad once during the day, you probably just walked past it. But if you smell it all day, it might be time to check your own shoes. Most people like to think they’re not the bad guy, and usually it’s not intentional. But if your relationships keep failing over and over again, especially in similar or messy ways, it’s worth reflecting on yourself before blaming the people you’ve dated. You can also use dating simulators like chαtvisor to evaluate yourself. A good way to check for self serving bias is to compare your behavior to others and ask whether you would feel the same if the roles were reversed. For example, if someone cuts you off, do you honk and get upset? But if you cut someone off and get honked at, do you apologize or blame the other person?

We all need that self-reflection . All we can do is take accountability and try to be better to ourselves. A therapist I once saw told me when I start feeling the negative feelings/ feedback loop, immediately write down what is causing it. That helped me a lot. For me, I realized I was dating people that weren’t right for me, but saw them as right on paper.

How very brave of you to be open to this. Speaks volumes about who you are and that’s so important. Best wishes on your journey.

Youre not alone. I'm the same. Im aware that I'm the root of most of my relationship problems. My fear of showing vulnerability has stubbed my toe many times. It makes me difficult to grow with and I show anger passively. My awareness does not make it easy to change, especially with the person who knows that this is how I am. I bite my tongue when I catch myself, but I'm still unable to lessen the grip on vulnerability. Sigh. I wish I can be one of those carefree people who can talk easily to anyone.

Bingo! Now that you realize it, your version 2.0 begins. Keep working on yourself

Yes! I kept getting in toxic relationships and finally realized one day that I was the one making them toxic

Self-reflection is important, but I don’t think it’s fair (or helpful) to put it all on yourself either. No one is the “perfect” partner. A lot of it really is timing, compatibility, and sometimes luck- things you can’t fully control. You might have moments where you’re a bit closed off or guarded. It's human to feel shut down if you've experienced trauma/relational hardship. It doesn't come out of nowhere. I think it’s less about “I’m the problem” and more about understanding your patterns without tearing yourself down. Growth is good, but not at the cost of your self-esteem

yone else forever. It sucks to realize but honestly it's kind of a superpower once you get past the initial "welp I'm the problem" spiral. You got this.

I needed this, I was in doubt not sure if it's a me thing, you have purposefully or not, encouraged me to look into myself 😮‍💨

Awesome of you to hit this self-reflection milestone! I hope you re-frame it a bit, thought, so it's more 'I've identified areas I can improve in' rather than 'I might be the problem'. There is no need to be negative about a really functional realization. You can work on improving how you approach relationships without being down on yourself about it.

I kept attracting these amazing beautiful kind women and then after about a month or so, I’d start getting the “I really value our friendship” speech when I’d try to really close in on them. None of them would ever be clear with me on what pieces of the puzzle I was missing but I mean it’s abundantly clear. Although I’m successful at work and very charismatic, I don’t really have a lot going for myself. I’m a great friend because I enjoy passively enjoying life. I tag along with people who are the real movers and shakers and I frankly just gain attention with telling stories of what happened. I am a pretty sharp and perceptive guy so I think I also start sensing changes in their attitude i change my perspective to accommodate that. It’s a little disingenuous. I’m scared to lose people I really like but I want them to accept me for me instead of making me change. Although I do desperately need to change

I did the same thing. I couldn't understand why women kept taking advantage of me. I realized I was allowing them to treat me this way due to low self esteem.

True that. I am somewhere in the same ship, one of my friend introduced me to NLP. I started watching some of the youtube videos and practising few techniques, it helped me.

my issue is how society often feels willfully ignorant or just outright hates people like me, and I fully admit I can react to those in extremely unpleasant and insulting ways, feels like the world was designed around contempt for autistic people sometimes

It’s good for you that you had that realization. Just work on it and eventually you’ll see the progress. It’s not too late to improve those areas, keep on going bro!

What you’ve done already matters. Most people just blame others or bad luck and never really look at themselves. You did. A few simple things that might help: - Try to notice when you shut down. Is it at the beginning, or when things start getting more serious, or when someone shows real interest? That moment usually tells you a lot. - That “emotionally unavailable” type… might not be random. Sometimes we go for what feels familiar, even if it doesn’t work for us. You don’t need to become a different person. Just small steps: say one thing more than you normally would, don’t disappear when things feel uncomfortable, stay a bit longer instead of pulling away. This doesn’t mean you were a bad partner. It just means there were some blind spots. Everyone has them. Keep talking things through with someone honest, like your friend. It helps you stay grounded and not get stuck in your own head. The fact that you’re owning it and working on it already puts you ahead of where you were. That’s where things actually start to shift.

Therapy would be a good next step.

One of the issues I find is the more intelligent you are and the people you connect with are, the more you can over analyse everything in your relationships that really don't need to be analysed. Sometimes people change, sometimes they grow apart, sometimes relationships need to end. If you try and change yourself to attract different partners, are you being your natural self, or will you forever be a fake to yourself and ultimately less happy?

honestlyyy this kind of self awareness is rare soo that already says a lot i went thru something similar where i kept thinkin it was just bad luck with people but after a while i had to admit i was playing a part in it too. not in a blame way just patterns i didnt notice before it is uncomfortable at first but also kind of freeing 'cause now you actually have something you can work on instead of feeling stuck in the same cycle also the fact that you are reflecting instead of ignoring it means you are probably going to grow out of those patterns over time

that kind of self-awareness is honestly rare even if it feels uncomfortable to admit. it’s way easier to blame bad luck or other people than to look at ur own patterns so the fact that u’re willing to do that says a lot. i’ve noticed the same thing in my own life sometimes we don’t attract a certain type of person by accident it’s just what feels familiar. figuring that out is awkward at first but it’s usually the point where things actually start changing

Its hard to admit the flaws we carry as a whole. I have realized I have so many issues, I gave up. I am so many things and to even try and sort through it, that's a dog I'm leaving asleep. I don't do good with people, not good at conversation. I've lived a conflicting life. But as we wake up, yesterday is just that. As long as we wake up, there's always a chance for things to be better. As far as relationships, I can feel that. I have a tendency of ruining mine too. My focus, my intentions, my real wants. I couldn't tell you. Just try to go with the flow, don't push, don't rush. Live in the moment. That's all we can do.

Relationships don't work because of EGO. I, for instance, don't want a relationship with a man's ego. Someone who's ego matters more than the other person's well being is not someone attactive regardless of what they look like physically. The issue is that most men enter relationships because the woman is deemed "pretty" per standards set by marketing companies, Hollywood, and demented stereotypes, and when they realize, later, that this is human being and not some trophy to put on a self, the relationship goes to hell. Most men want to control their wives/girlfriends for fear their ego will be bruised if these women leave them, because the relationship was never about the relationship and the partnership, but rather, just an ego trip for the guy to show off to his other guy friends, or total male strangers. You see, men make everything about ego and have anger issues as a result, which is why so many women have to be alone. Do you think I want to be yelled at because your lawn mower doesn't work? Or because you're too precious to have a conversation about meal planning for the week? Or be yelled at as an excuse for you to not have any conversations with me? Nope. But that's what men do, they bully, yell, never handle their anger, and it's all ego triggered. This is something only parents can fix while as boys grow up. People think they're educated by having a college degree when in reality, there's a lot more to "someone's education" than just knowing how to do a job, but if parents don't teach, society surely won't, and relationshps will continue to crumble.

I'm definitely too demanding of my partners, I expect them not to cheat, disrespect me, or humiliate me in front of their friends as a 'joke' I know, how awful of me