What’s a red flag you ignored and regretted immediately?

I looked up a guy online after we had become platonic friends and saw he had been arrested for murder. I let him give me his side of the story over the phone. He then ended up later murdering and dismembering his neighbor. By that time I had distanced myself but holy smokes, that shit was scary.

If they lie to everyone else, they are lying to you.

I had an ex tell me early on that he has the urge to blow up his life and start over about every 3 years. Guess what happened to our relationship about 3 years later

They told me how all their exes were ‘crazy.’ I later met them… they weren’t the problem.

He yells at his mom in front of me, obviously then he yells at me. At the first explicit insult I confronted him and he gaslighted me and told everyone that I was crazy.

On a night of miscommunication, I left her house at midnight and she had her guy friend over at 1 am. In her bedroom. Posting on Snapchat that they had matching socks on while laying in her bed. I should have just ended it there. Lesson learned.

I had an ex straight up tell me he was a diagnosed narcissist. I thought I could handle it. It ended in a court hearing. Yes I am a clown

Went to a job interview and they were desperate. The whole crew had quit at the same time and they needed the help right away. They didn't interview me really but more of a begging me to come since I was already pretty experienced in the field. They agreed to everything and made a lot of promises. Should have listened to the red flags. It was a total shit show and the manager was a sociopath. I started looking for a new job within a week.

When I caught him using my phone to message another girl on Facebook. And then got mad and yelled at me for being upset.

She didn't return shopping trolleys. It's a cliche, but it really was an indicator of low moral standards. I left her after the 100th time she called me stupid for some extremely minor mistake like moving into a bad lane while driving.

She cheated on her boyfriend to be with me. Wanna guess how it ended?

Never apologizing. The amount of shame I have knowing it took so long to see it... I could never forgive myself and that's how I know it's been never. It worked.

Oh so many. He had over 30+ jobs in his 10 years of working experience. He also seemed to have gotten fired from most of them or quit the others over minor inconveniences He lived with his parents (he was 31 at the time) which fine, life is expensive right now but he would complain to me when they wouldn’t do what he wanted. For example, complain his mom didn’t do his laundry or take his stuff out of storage. I’d just sit there like well… what stops you from doing this? He couldn’t/wouldn’t plan a single date. It overwhelmed him. He put no effort in anything. There were so many more. And then he ended up getting super angry at me one night and tried to physically assault me. Learned my lesson so quick. No more ignoring red flags or making excuses as to why those red flags were ok.

Catching someone in small lies. That turned into major cheating and an STI. Always trust your gut!

Heavy insistence on her being an “empath” Usually people who posture with terms like that are compensating for their behavior towards people

All my ex-boyfriend’s friends seemed fine at first, but upon getting to know them and their histories, each one of them turned out to have major red flags. One cheated on her ex-fiance and married her affair partner. Another friend was in his 50s, married a 28-year old Russian woman he knew for a week, and then kept pressuring her to have sex with other men while he watched. Another friend couldn’t get pregnant with her husband, and she kept blaming him saying he “wasn’t man enough” to get her pregnant (I’ll also note that they couldn’t afford another kid). In general, most of his friends were cheaters, toxic, or alcoholics. I had thought that because my ex had a successful business and a large group of friends, that he was a good man. A few months in changed my mind. He was surrounded by bad people, and he turned out to be one as well.

How angry he got when he drank.

All her past partners were abusers or red flags, I now know this usually means that she actually is what she's describing.

He got mad at me for doubling over in the aisle of the grocery store because I was having a particularly nasty cramp. He accused me of being dramatic and exaggerating while I clenched my teeth and tried not to cry. He didn’t want people in the store to think he “did something.” Should have run. I stayed another 6 years. This is why it is important to develop healthy self esteem.

Only male friends because “they’re easier to get along with” She fucked half of them.

He told me he was accused of r*** by his "unstable" cousin. His family all took his side. He made some scary jokes. I am fairly sure he did *something* and will likely do it again.

kicked her dog

Guy was weirdly desperate for a place to live when he interviewed for the open room in our apartment. He was also jacked and did not go to the college we went to (quite literally everyone in this town went to the college). Finally the ONLY questions he asked about the apartment or us was whether we liked to party and whether any chicks came to the parties we threw.  I was the only dissenting voice among the roommates who all felt he’d be a good choice because he was 22 and could buy us alcohol.  He was a violent coke addict who beat up his girlfriend because she gave him herpes that we ended up having to force out of the house at knifepoint because he was fully psychotic. He then slashed one of the roommates tires. 

She called me over at 5pm on mother's day to hang out alone for the first time. She had adult age children she wasnt with. Later found she was batshit crazy.

They liked all the same things I liked and would do all the things I wanted to do. Once I was attached, it was all about them and we only did the things they wanted to do.

Waiter at Applebees literally stopped me on the way to the bathroom and said, “Run while you still can” UPDATE: Alright, people have asked for more. Sorry to disappoint, but this is now ancient history so I’ll probably gloss over just how traumatic this particular relationship was. I never did quite get the context from the waiter, but he was 100% right. If he wasn’t making a joke, I’ll have to assume he had first hand experience. Anyway, this girl was bad news for a few reasons. There was an age gap, I was in my 20s and she was in her 30s. She had a pretty bad drug history and (burying the lede here) we worked together. Once we got into a relationship I was controlled and manipulated by her quite a bit, I didn’t have the guts to break things off. She threatened suicide multiple times whenever it seemed like we were going to break things off. Last I heard she got arrested for trying to scam a p******* so she could abuse prescription drugs. Again, glossing over quite a bit of things here, but it was enough to f*** me up for several years afterwards. But yeah, never did get any follow up or closure on what that Applebees waiter was all about. I’m assuming he was my equivalent of the old man at the beginning of a horror movie warning me to stay out of town.

Swore to me that “you don’t need a reason for doing things”

He asked me to marry him a week into us dating and framed it as a wild but practical choice so we wouldn’t have to continue dating other people and just work through things. I didn’t marry him but I continued dating him and he pressured me to move in with him saying it’s his biggest trauma and he will be homeless if I don’t find him a home. I felt so pressured I went along with it and the weeks before move in he started threatening me if I even said I wanted to go for a walk outside the apt with self harm or leaving me and therefore becoming homeless because I now had a linked up housing situation with him. My friends and family had to drag me out, it was wild. Since we’ve been broken up random people have been coming up to me asking if I’m still dating him and to be careful because he crafts insane lies to get his needs met. He told his friend he had cancer, and he did not, and told his ex he was kidnapped by ICE to get money from her. No wonder he didn’t want me to go out, because no one this town trusts him lol. TL;DR - if someone is trying to lock you down immediately it isn’t romantic/practical…it’s usually because they are undateable and need to hook you in some other way.

The way he idolized his Dad and trashed on his Mom. Found out later his Dad was a cheater and a liar with addiction issues. Lots of unresolved trauma and lack of accountability in that family.

Slowly, within the first 3 months, started making requests for me to change the way I dress because it "made him uncomfortable" (leggings, fitted hoodies, etc). He then lost his mind when I wore a bathing suit to go swimming. I stayed way too long. So mad at myself to this day lol.

When my feelings were hurt early on in the relationship and he couldn’t have cared less. I still remember it so clearly. It was so indicative of my future to come

I didn’t ignore it but one time a single mom I interviewed brought her child with her to the interview WITHOUT EVEN ASKING. For context I’m fine with this if asked first. And her child was out of control in my office throwing things. She had no control over him and just let him try to destroy things. That’s when I realized there was no way she could handle the residents in our mental health facility.

Making fun of other people.

the way he treated his mom. horrible. thought maybe it was a childhood resentment. he treated me worse because i started “sounding like her” when i told him that he was a low life because he dropped out refused to get a job, smoked and drank everyday, cheated on me, and overall did everything but love me. safe to say im thriving and he’s still living with his mom and with the girl he cheated on me with (the girl reached out to me once he started treating her the same way) edit: i must add he was getting mad at me and complaining to me how his life was so hard and how it was somehow me bringing him down

She told me “I think we should take a break” before my trip.

He told me he had cheated on his previous girlfriend, while he was cheating on me for a total of 3 years.

He farted on me the first day we met to see how I’d react. His words not mine.

That she wasn’t sure about breaking up with her previous boyfriend.

I had a breakdown over a disrespectful thing he did, he just stood there and watched me cry. Didn’t ask how to fix it, didn’t try to understand, just stood and watched and was looking around scared people will think of him badly. Should’ve never continued on.

Her mom and sister were mentality ill but not her she said.

Believing her naivety

When behaviour doesn’t match words. Shits gotta be consistent.

Not immediate but early on he told me multiple stories with the underlying theme of him having major conflict avoidance and knowingly withholding information from people in important moments. I pointed out the pattern and his eyes were glazed over and he chalked them up to situational things. A year later breaks up with me completely out of the blue. Turns out he was withholding information about how he was really feeling during the entire relationship and it all erupted all at once in the most clumsy breakup of all time, a month after I met his entire family in his home country.

Her being asexual. Not an inherently bad thing but it ended up being a reason we weren't compatible

I was mid sob after losing a family member and he got up from the couch and went and brushed his teeth and went to bed without a single word

pointed a shotgun at me “jokingly”.

Everyone and their mother were warning me that she came from a strict Native American family and that a relationship between her and me (white guy) wouldn’t work out.

The first time I caught him in a lie, I should have ran like hell. Did I immediately regret ignoring it? No. It took nearly a year of his manipulations before I finally understood how horrible he truly was. 

When I first met my ex, I described him as childish. When my friends would question why I was rejecting his advances I said I don't see him going through a relationship and being able to marry someone (I only date for marriage). Stupid me fell for him, he was so emotionally immature he depleted me I was so exhausted after the relationship ended, and his immaturity was just a slap in the face his final words to me were 'fine, if that's what you want' I am still bitter about the time I wasted with him.

I don’t feel like sharing the details of what the specific situation was, but a boyfriend basically told me a habit I had was because of him and then bragged about how he quietly manipulated me into developing that habit 3-4 years earlier. I stayed with him far too long after that. One of many many red flags.

Telling a person I wanted to date, that I was “open-minded” about religion when she admitted she was a very dedicated Christian. My early 20’s self was still an idiot.

My ex has never, ever apologised for anything. Nothing was ever his fault. And I let that slide for almost 4 years until I realised what a massive gaslighter he is

A friend who placed themselves as the victim in every story, needed constant attention, and were basically the main cause of all their problems (not willing to do the things/take advice to fix them but instead only complained).

The 'everyone else is the problem' attitude. If every ex is 'crazy' and every boss is 'unfair,' the common denominator is usually pretty clear.

"I dont like labels"

Questioning me having any interaction with a member of the opposite sex... in increasing severity to the point of delusions.

Her spending the first couple of weeks talking venting about her ex, followed by occasionally saying on the first couple dates “this is so unlike my past”

the way my body felt anxious around them before my brain caught up

They are trying to push the relationship forward as fast as possible, shower you with praise, and mirror your interests and communication style. All to get you hooked. So called "love bombing". Had a relationship like that years ago, lasted for a month untill I caught that person cheating on me. Good riddance.

She wanted to go shopping. I bought her a ton of stuff. But she never wanted to go out with me again. D:

Maybe just maybe it was the lying about his age, prior arrest after fighting with his ex and restraining order?

That every 9 seconds in Africa, a bot posts this exact same question to r/AskListnook

My ex would always disappear around 10pm every night. I didn't question it, he said he had to work. But then I was like wait he could go from my house....turns out he was a bad alcoholic, and his practice was to go out with or without friends and get drunk at night. He didn't want me to know because i told him I hated drunks from the beginning.

He said he is a liberal, feminist, and breaks taboos. Then guy couldn’t stand up to his family and ended up marrying a woman his parents chose within 2 months of our breakup.

Confusing banter with actual micro insults. Yes, joking is fun and necessary, and we need to know how to laugh at ourselves. But my ex CONSTANTLY had to point something out and then went on to say that he’s just joking. Even when I told him I don’t appreciate it and asked if he could stop, he would just say it was a joke and kept on making up (really bad btw) excuses. Everything has it’s limits, but if such „joking” continues very frequently and starts to make you feel like shit, it’s literally someone who loves to humiliate you on a regular basis and uses joking as an excuse to do so.

He said he and his family were “passionate”. What that meant that he and his father were both hysterics. Shouting and kicking off. My ex turned out to be violent too.

My first ever guy i was seeing, in my early 20s, who is 6 years older than me, admitted that he cheated on every girlfriend hes every had. I was stupidly telling myself were just dating and having fun and I was NOT going to catch feelings. im 40 now and im still mad knowing that he would still not admit he cheated on me still makes me mad.

My former friend had no friends. Looking back now I see why and how toxic of a human she was. It’s a major red flag. If somebody has burned all of their bridges in life and no one wants anything to do with them.

Hired an office manager there was a missing 100 dollar bill. She had a good story I believed and found the money. Fast forward 10 years later we had her arrested for 40k in progressive embezzlement. She is now making my car payment monthly for me for the next 7 years. Got a tricked out jeep gladiator. We pass often in local traffic in wave every time.

That "stupid" voice in my head.

Ex wife said she never wanted to talk about money. Made planning for our future impossible 

My ex kept staring at other women everytime we went out on a date. He ended up cheating on me.

Inability to have a proper conversation to resolve issues.

Those subtle cases of "rules for thee, not for me". I choose to ignore them and the boundaries were pushed further and further until, you guessed it, cheating occurred. I am by no means a jealous person, I'm almost naively trusting, but setting the exact same boundaries for both parts is my absolute number 1 principle now going into dating, because if someone can't live up to that simple standard they're not the one for me.

He said that he wouldn’t care if his son had a million girlfriends but that his daughter wouldn’t be allowed to even go out

On our first date he just talked about himself. Like zero curiosity or questions for me. Most of his stories revolved around others doing him wrong and how he is so amazing. He was hot and I was horny. Sadly I kept on for sometime. I started to notice patterns of lying and him never taking accountability or responsibility for anything. After sometime he slipped he was diagnosed with ODD. lol. I got out of there. He proceeded to stalk me.

Small lies will escalate to bigger ones, and if they can lie like that they can also cheat.

When someone has a mad crush on you. Do not give them a chance. They have a version of you in their head that is just not true. They will eventually move you from being on a pedestal to being beneath them.